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Thursday, June 21, 2012


Hi guys!

I was away for a week, in NYC!! *squeals* I know right? I had an amazing time despite the health issues that prevented me from a total experience... I'll recap what all I did later. (attended Book Expo America!)

What's more important to me than books?

Only two things top that... My relationship with God (yeah, yeah, I'm not going to go preaching to you, this is just a statement...) and my family.

You may remember a while back ago that I was in Fresno for a doctors appointment, and I found a SIGNED copy of The Fault in Our Stars in the bookstore (awesome, right?) I'd heard a TON about how amazing it was, and that I really needed to read it. I was naturally JAZZED that I found one..signed. Just as I opened the book and started reading....my mother got a call. It was my dad, saying that a friend (my grandfather's doctor) had called him and told him that he was running tests, but to be prepared..

My grandfather had cancer.... Needless to say, I put the book down and just sat with my mom the three hours drive home.

My grandfather did have cancer (He's had it before, but went through chemo) and this time he'd decided to let it take him, that he was done fighting, he felt like he'd lived his life of 81 years (which I was sad, but fully understood..)

Unfortunately he's also has Alzheimer's (since about...2003) but I should say, he's been mentally unaffected....he knew who the president was, what team was playing on the weekends (further, he made his own brackets!)

  It just affected him physically, he had to stop driving, he couldn't walk without a walker etc... BUT he was still mentally there, and for that we were all thankful!

Anyway.....Papa (my grandfather) was always close to me, he used to buy me treats, yell at me for running in front of the TV, drive me to church, told me war stories, used to take me out for breakfast, and all other kinds of crazy stories from his life...he even told me where he wanted to be buried... While I wasn't his first granddaughter I always felt special.... out of all his grandchildren he chose to follow my family across the country..just to be with us... he even use to laugh and call me (recently) his genius/famous granddaughter (he thought the whole website concept was pretty cool.. even if he didn't understand it totally) He wished me good luck for New York, and told me to conquer the world at Book Expo America..

Before the BEA, I was plagued with nightmares, every night, the same dream. I'd go off to New York...and he'd die without me saying goodbye. One day I had a tearful confession moment with my dad, I told him about my nightmares and told him that in the dream, they didn't tell me till I got home that he'd died... (his parents did a similar thing with his grandparents and didn't tell him until after his college year was over...)

  I went to NY, had a mostly fabulous time and we came back.... the next day we rushed to my grandparents house (um...well, ran, it's about 20 feet away in my backyard..)

He said hello, (called me Debbie) asked how NY went... and he fell asleep. the next day...we came again. and he asked how NY went...

The next day we came...... he asked if I was still with that man, if I still wanted to marry him (he thought I was my aunt Debbie..the only time she married was in 1977...)

  The next day my mom went....he asked where his brother was...he was going to be late! they were going to wait until night fall and go steal the farmer's watermelons (for the record, they'd eat the innards, and lay them back together in the field...) The year of this event would have been 1938 or so..

and yesterday he thought I was the doctor...and he wondered who that cute little girl was (my sister, who really isn't little...*14yrs old*) and last night he fell out of bed twice, saying he needed to go shut the girls up because they were clearly fighting with each other... (referring to the 80's when my aunts used to fight each other all the time..)

and today the most heartbreaking news of all...the actual nurse came and we told her about these moments, were he starts moving his arms...kind of like climbing an invisible ladder...and she says what they commonly see in cancer patients who mentally aren't there.. is that they see past on loved ones and/or angels..and that they want to grab on to them...

after he ate a little breakfast this morning he went back to sleep and he hasn't woken up since... He's still alive, but I can't help but remember a discussion I had with him before I left NY.. he said he'd had a private meeting with Jesus and asked him what was taking so long.

I can't help but wonder if he actually did have a stern talking with him. I can't help but think he actually did pass on while I was in NY...it just wasn't physically..

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